and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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