i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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