If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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