I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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