Don't make out with my wife yet
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize