I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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