dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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