i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
