I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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