Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
