I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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