I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
