Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
