you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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