so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
