3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
