Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
