I just gift wrapped bread.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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