At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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