Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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