I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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