I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
