I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
