I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
