Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
