mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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