fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
