I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.