Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to