I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
this will be a night to untag.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
