my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
