good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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