you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
