at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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