So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
