You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
