Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
