How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
