this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
