I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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