if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
