I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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