I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
