drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
