I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
