My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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