sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
