also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
