just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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