God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
sex in a hospital.. check
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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