Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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