i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
