Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
