Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
