Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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