Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
